Friday, October 27, 2006

DTS Halloween Costumes

After the release of Rick Warren’s Purpose-Driven Halloween, many believers are again celebrating Halloween. Shunning their usual means of celebration, they are this year embracing more traditional Halloween celebrations.
So, as a service, John-Michael and I devised a list of what should be the most popular costumes among students of Dallas Theological Seminary.


10. Vessel Created for Destruction
Terracotta pot with “Destroy” stamp

9. Scale Model of Old Testament Earth
Flat, one continent, very few animals

8. Post-Rapture Christian
Store-bought zombie costume

7. Kirk Cameron
Brillo-pad hair and a squeaky voice

6. A TULIP
Feel free to omit the ‘L,’ I did

5. Bride of Christ
Tammy Faye Baker-esque makeup

4. Catholic Jesus Kit
Giant Saltine Cracker

3. Jerry Falwell Sumo Champion
Normal sumo costume with Falwell mask

2. Body of Christ
Shirtless, stitches on both sides

1. Spanish Missionary
Carry around a trident and a bag labeled “syphilis”

Thursday, October 19, 2006

ELECTION DAY STILL A LONG WAY OFF

by Molly Ivins

All newspaper editors want to know what their readers like. If you would like to read this feature in your local newspaper, please do not hesitate to share your enthusiasm with your local newspaper editor.

RELEASE: THURSDAY, OCTOBER 19, 2006, AND THEREAFTER

Stunning coincidence. The verdict in the long-running trial of Saddam Hussein in Iraq is now due two days before our congressional elections in November. Astounding. How ineffable. Sometimes you know the Republicans have just lost the rag completely. This week, Dick Cheney said to Rush Limbaugh regarding the Iraqi government, "If you look at the general, overall situation, they're doing remarkably well." The vice president also acknowledged there's some concern because the war wasn't over "instantaneously." We have now been in Iraq just one month shy of the entire time it took us to fight World War II. Seventy Americans dead so far in October. Electricity in Iraq this year hit its lowest levels since the war started. What infuriates me about this is the lying.

WHY can't they level with us? Just on the general, overall situation. Put me in the depressive Dems camp. We always look good going into the last two weeks, until we get hit with that wall of Republican money (though I do think Ohio is beyond political recall at this point for the R's). Of course, both sides always complain about unfair advertising, but I must admit that almost all political advertising strikes me as ludicrous and I don't notice the D's looking simon-pure. A little shading, a little emphasis here and there -- I'm hard to shock on political ads, but I do get more than miffed when they take the truth and just stand it on its head.

For example, if ever there has been a friend to Social Security it would be Rep. Chet Edwards from Waco, Texas, a D loyal to the FDR, LBJ and government-exists-to-serve-the-people tradition. So what are the R's attacking him on? Not supporting Social Security. All this kind of thing does is render political debate completely meaningless. The argument now is that D's have a seven-point structural deficit going into any election. I see the problem, I just have no idea what the actual numbers are.

Let's start with the easy end, the Senate. From the book "Off Center" by Jacob S. Hacker and Paul Pierson, as recently quoted by Eric Alterman in his blog: "The mismatch between popular votes and electoral outcomes is even more striking in the Senate. Combining the last three Senate elections, Democrats have actually won 2.5 million more votes than Republicans. Yet now they hold only 44 seats in that 100-person chamber because Republicans dominate the less populous states that are so heavily overrepresented in the Senate. As journalist Hendrik Hertzberg (of the New Yorker) notes, if you treat each senator as representing half that state's population, then the Senate's 55 Republicans currently represent 131 million people, while the 44 Democrats represent 161 million people."

OK, we all know about the small-state advantage in the Senate. How did the People's House get so far out of fair? Paul Krugman explains: "The key point is that African-Americans, who overwhelmingly vote Democratic, are highly concentrated in a few districts. This means that in close elections many Democratic votes are, as political analysts say, wasted -- they simply add to huge majorities in a small number of districts, while the more widely spread Republican vote allows the GOP to win by narrower margins in a larger number of districts."

I should also point out that Democrats used to pack minority voters into the same districts when they drew the redistricting lines because of simple racism. Minority candidates need more votes to win, as polling consistently shows them several points ahead of where they actually finish because some people still cannot bring themselves to vote for black politicians even if they agree with them. For instance, race is a factor this year in Harold Ford's Tennessee Senate contest -- even though political people keep pretending it's not. I'm the one who has been writing for two years that the American people are fed up with the war in Iraq and with the Bush administration's lies and incompetence.

I'm the one that keeps beating the Washington press corps about the head over how out of touch it is. I'm the one who has been insisting there's a Democratic tide out here, and that the people are so far ahead of the politicians and the media it's painful to watch. So how come I'm not thrilled? Because I watched this happen two years ago -- same rejection of the Iraq war, same disgust with Bush and Co., same understanding Republicans are for the rich, period, same polls showing D's with the lead going right into Election Day. And the same geographic gerrymander and same wall of money in the last two weeks. I'm not close to calling this election, and I'm sure not into celebrating anything yet.

To find out more about Molly Ivins and read features by other Creators Syndicate writers and cartoonists, visit the Creators Syndicate web page at www.creators.com.

COPYRIGHT 2006 CREATORS SYNDICATE, INC.
Originally Published on Thursday October 19, 2006

Monday, October 16, 2006

Seattle: The Home of Classic Rock

Ok, as previous posts have made abundantly clear, I am lazy. It is for this reason that I have not reinstalled by satellite radio receiver after removing it to use in another car in September. This, combined with the current NPR pledge drive, and the fact that I have grown a bit tired of the Gnarls Barkley CD currently in my deck (150 or so consecutive listens will have this effect, regardless of the CD’s quality), resulted in my resorting to terrestrial radio for the latter half of my nine-minute commute this morning.

Out of nostalgic obligation, I tuned to KZPS, the classic rock station on which I grew up. The station has since been bought out, of course, by Clear Channel.

The Devil has yet to purchase an iPod, so He has purchased, via Clear Channel, every terrestrial radio station within his jurisdiction to ensure that he never misses the latest from Rob Thomas, Diddy, or Hoobastank)

To my horror, following an unsuspecting John Mellencamp song was Nirvana’s cover of Bowie’s “Man Who Sold the World.” Are you KIDDING me? Bob Seger’s career must be spinning in its grave knowing that it is losing airtime to a band whose leader is not even alive, much less still touring and creating music.

Since when does a song recorded in 1993 count as “classic rock?” This is precisely the sort of negligence that is creating the horrid musical homogeneity rampant in radio today. If mainstream radio can’t even be depended on to expose people to the Stones, the Beatles, Clapton, and the Who, what hope can we have that the masses will be exposed to Duke Ellington, Wes Montgomery, Miles Davis, Buddy Guy, Bob Wills, Jerry Garcia, Neil Young, The Doors, Bob Dylan, Merle Haggard…..

Perhaps the fact that these quality artists are not spoon-fed to the masses is what makes finding and delving into them so very sweet. I did not, after all, discover and learn to appreciate good music from the radio. My sisters and brothers-in-law really impressed on me the value of good music. Sandra introduced me to the Beatles; Paul to the Stones, Cream, Junior Brown, and M. Ward, among others; Dani to Todd Snider, Arrested Development, Miles Davis, and the Gourds, among others; and Sean to Neil Young, Public Enemy, the Skatalites, Jane’s Addiction, and Lenny Kravitz, among many others.

My fear is that the songwriters of tomorrow will, considering Nirvana as a “classic” artist worthy of replication, be both “stupid and contagious” with their music. If the likes of Rob Thomas and Ludacris continue to churn out lyrical and musical drivel, I suppose the best that I can hope for is that the feeling of the discovery of quality bands will become even sweeter by contrast.

While top 40 subscribers are certainly in danger of a white-bread music collection, there are a lot of idie rockers facing a similar peril. If one spends all of one’s time consumed by the next emerging artist, finding vain satisfaction in their appreciation of even the most obscure bands, one is certainly running the risk of listening to purely sub-par music. Thanks to our vigorous consumer market, most quality music does find itself on some sort of label. It’s when the major labels sign no-talent hacks like Fuel, Eve 6, and Matchbox 20 that we are reminded that the best music still lies somewhere under surface, safe from Clear Channel’s watchful eye. It is this subterranean search that makes finding new music so great.
For those of us who really appreciate music and take it seriously, it is through listening to, sharing, and writing about quality music that will guarantee its survival. As long as Mariah Carey outsells M. Ward, the major record labels will have no reason to be concerned with diversity or quality.

Thursday, October 12, 2006

The World According to MTV

There were a couple of nights this week that I couldn’t get to sleep, so I did what any other person in this situation would do—I watched TV. Because I have bootleg cable and no remote control, when I watch TV, I tend to watch a single channel for a long period of time. On these particular nights, that channel was MTV.

I am proud to say that as a gainfully employed 24 year old, I am no long in their primary demographic. It seems to me that most of their original programming and music videos are targeted at the 14 to 21 year old range. Fourteen year old boys and girls watch shows like “Two-a-Days,” which depicts the drama of a highly successful high school football team in Alabama, in order to confirm that their quarterback/cheerleaders/cocky wide receivers are in fact better/prettier/cockier than those on TV. Only those currently in high school (or living vicariously through their high school-aged children) can really relate to this show as I believe it is intended. That is not to say it is not entertaining. It is. In that “if they only knew that life doesn’t end at homecoming” kind of way.

The meat of MTV’s wee-morning programming is music videos. The more I watch these videos, the more I tend to agree with Beck adage, “MTV makes me want to smoke crack.” I don’t bring this up to offend anyone who has an actual crack addiction. I mean this to offend anyone to actually enjoys these music videos, for they are horrible.

Not horrible in the James-Dobson-says-it’s-evil-so-I-must-avoid-it horrible, but poorly made and lacking in substance originality—much like the music they are meant to celebrate. After observing these horrid productions and other MTV offerings, I made a note of what I had learned about the world:

1. If I see a cute girl across the room at a club, all I have to do wink at her and she’ll follow me outside and dance around in her bikini (which she is wearing at all times) behind a convenient sheer cloth. Though she is wearing a bikini, all I must remove before going to the beach is my hat.
2. Women wear nothing but bikinis.
3. If I am a pompous overrated self-promoting rap mogul, a bikini-clad woman will wake me up every morning, regardless of who else might be in my bed.
4. Rich people have rooms in their houses that use cash for carpet.
5. Girls change clothes at least 10 times during any 4 minute period—especially if there is a song about empowering women playing in the background.
6. It’s ok to star in a video about being a strong, independent woman not getting by on looks, and then star in one in which two of your five outfits are made primarily of strategically-placed lace.
7. If I have a really nice car, women will dance all over them in bikinis.
8. It’s ok for grown men to wear nothing but jeans and football jerseys.
9. “News” is comprised solely of a behind-the-scenes look at the making of the latest BeyoncĂ© video.
10. If it doesn’t happen in Laguna Beach, it doesn’t matter.