Things Learned on Those Nights When I Just Wasn't Ready to Go Home

As a waiter, I usually don't get to have much of a "nightlife." If I do go out after work, I usually don't get wherever I'm going until after midnight. Since it's hard to squeeze a full night's worth of fun into two hours, I've discovered several places that are more than happy to take my money until the wee hours of the morn.' Here are a few of the life lessons and observations made possible exclusively by such establishments:

1. It's ok to make friends with the giant Hispanic dude at the pool table, just don't put money on the game. It's probably not his first time to hold a cue stick.

2. Just because the young and agile black guy makes the Usher-esque moves easy doesn't mean that they are. When everyone clears away from the middle of the dance floor, it's not for you. Stay away, whitey.

3. If you happened to forget to wear underwear or some other important garment, don't bother feigning modesty. We're not buying it.

4. If three women are dressed alike, it was most likely the more attractive woman's idea. She knows that she's likely to come out ahead in the inevitable comparisons.

5. Somehow, Bud Light just tastes better out of a styrofoam cup. After 2 am. For $5.

6. It's ok if you feel safer in clubs that require a good old fashioned pat-down prior to entry. Just don't try to joke with the guy giving them out. He's usually not in the mood.

7. If ever offered a cocktail made with beer, lime juice, and a "secret family recipe" don't be tempted. It's a waste of a good beer (or two).

8. The repercussions of the "Beware of Mexican Food After 9" rule double after 2. And again after 4.

9. Long line outside + $15 cover + crazy trance music + only $6 Red Bulls to drink = check please.

10. You're much better off just grabbing a bite at Cafe Brazil, Cuquitas, Los Arcos, or the Metro Diner and going home. Save it for next time.