The World According to MTV

There were a couple of nights this week that I couldn’t get to sleep, so I did what any other person in this situation would do—I watched TV. Because I have bootleg cable and no remote control, when I watch TV, I tend to watch a single channel for a long period of time. On these particular nights, that channel was MTV.

I am proud to say that as a gainfully employed 24 year old, I am no long in their primary demographic. It seems to me that most of their original programming and music videos are targeted at the 14 to 21 year old range. Fourteen year old boys and girls watch shows like “Two-a-Days,” which depicts the drama of a highly successful high school football team in Alabama, in order to confirm that their quarterback/cheerleaders/cocky wide receivers are in fact better/prettier/cockier than those on TV. Only those currently in high school (or living vicariously through their high school-aged children) can really relate to this show as I believe it is intended. That is not to say it is not entertaining. It is. In that “if they only knew that life doesn’t end at homecoming” kind of way.

The meat of MTV’s wee-morning programming is music videos. The more I watch these videos, the more I tend to agree with Beck adage, “MTV makes me want to smoke crack.” I don’t bring this up to offend anyone who has an actual crack addiction. I mean this to offend anyone to actually enjoys these music videos, for they are horrible.

Not horrible in the James-Dobson-says-it’s-evil-so-I-must-avoid-it horrible, but poorly made and lacking in substance originality—much like the music they are meant to celebrate. After observing these horrid productions and other MTV offerings, I made a note of what I had learned about the world:

1. If I see a cute girl across the room at a club, all I have to do wink at her and she’ll follow me outside and dance around in her bikini (which she is wearing at all times) behind a convenient sheer cloth. Though she is wearing a bikini, all I must remove before going to the beach is my hat.
2. Women wear nothing but bikinis.
3. If I am a pompous overrated self-promoting rap mogul, a bikini-clad woman will wake me up every morning, regardless of who else might be in my bed.
4. Rich people have rooms in their houses that use cash for carpet.
5. Girls change clothes at least 10 times during any 4 minute period—especially if there is a song about empowering women playing in the background.
6. It’s ok to star in a video about being a strong, independent woman not getting by on looks, and then star in one in which two of your five outfits are made primarily of strategically-placed lace.
7. If I have a really nice car, women will dance all over them in bikinis.
8. It’s ok for grown men to wear nothing but jeans and football jerseys.
9. “News” is comprised solely of a behind-the-scenes look at the making of the latest Beyoncé video.
10. If it doesn’t happen in Laguna Beach, it doesn’t matter.